i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize