I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
