so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
