I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
