I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
