explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
