i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
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