nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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