Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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