my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
