I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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