We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I need a beard to bite.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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