ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
