Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
