i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
