My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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