my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Omg I joined a choir last night...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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