Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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