I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
