So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
