ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
