I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
