I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
