I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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