Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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