i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
