Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
