I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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