My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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