I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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