I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
