its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
