i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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