my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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