i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize