Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
