How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
