Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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