I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
