It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
