I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
