weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
