i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
