the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
