I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
