Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
