i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
