I got chris browned last night
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
