Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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