One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
