My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
please come you make the beer taste better
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
