A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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