so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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