i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You smell like stripper and shame
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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