Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just had sex on a roof
Enjoy the penises
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
