Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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