What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
