Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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