Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So many bounce houses so little time
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
