I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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