I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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